As Mr. Goodell’s wild ride reaches its final (and hopefully) triumphant climax at next month’s Super Bowl, it’s important we take a look back on the teams that missed the playoff mark and those that at least showed up. The football season is a long and brutal series of games for the players and their fans, so we should show some empathy for the bad teams of the NFL season. In order to give some perspective on how devastating these teams’ missed opportunities were, I am proposing a rating scale that measures the fans’ crushed dreams, broken hearts, and “if onlys”.  This NFL Fan Pain Scale will rate each non-playoff team on a scale from 1 to the Jets.

DOLPHINS: RECORD: 9-8

Starting off with a team that was expected to do something, did nothing the first half of the season, then decided to do something against bad teams at the end. Overall, not very painful for Dolphin fans.  

PAIN LEVEL: 3/10

CHARGERS: RECORD: 9-8

Let me start by saying that I am a Chargers fan. In my years as a fan, I realize that the Chargers are depressing to watch. Every single year you expect something different, something good, a season that impresses you. But year after year after year, the Chargers somehow find a way to ruin everything. Whether this is making it to the AFC championship and fumbling away a game-winning interception on the same play, having the #1 offense and #1 defense and still missing the playoffs, or blowing four 2-digit leads with two of them against the teams that made it to the Super Bowl. The 2021 season was no different as the Chargers’ season was ruined by a horrible defense who only had two games in which they held the other team to under 20 points and none under 10, AND losses to Denver and Houston. 

PAIN LEVEL: 9/10

COLTS: RECORD 9-8

To make the playoffs, you had to beat the Jaguars. You are here.

PAIN LEVEL: 26/11

SAINTS: RECORD: 9-8

It’s official, Drew Brees is in the top 3 quarterbacks next to Aaron Rodgers and Joe Montana (don’t get me started on Tom Brady). This team fell off a cliff since their 12-4 2020 season, 13-3 2019 season, 13-3 2018 season, and 11-5 2017 season. The reason? Drew Brees isn’t their quarterback any more. Oh well, they had a good run with him. Now enjoy the retirement of his #9 jersey, and your retirement in the NFL gutter, Saints fans.

PAIN LEVEL: 3/10

RAVENS: RECORD 8-9

It’s honestly baffling to see how quickly the luck of the Ravens turned around. It went from breaking NFL records on game-winners, to having everyone on their team injured, to missing three consecutive game winning two point conversions, to losing to the somehow playoff bound Steelers. Their pain level drops down a bit due to the Ravens’ success recently.

PAIN LEVEL: 6/10

BROWNS: RECORD: 8-9

Just when Browns fans thought they were out of the gutter, the grimy hand of injury pulled them back in, kicking and screaming. The entire team just felt sluggish, a far cry from the Steeler stomping Browns of last season. 

PAIN LEVEL: 7/10

VIKINGS: RECORD: 8-9

Wow, just, wow, what happened? Wasn’t this team supposed to be good? This team was absolutely loaded with talent and completely squandered every opportunity to make a statement win. It wasn’t helped by the Vikings having one of the hardest schedules in the league, but that doesn’t excuse constantly keeping it close, but never winning. I guess that’s just the Viking way. 50 years and 0-4 in the Super Bowl.

 PAIN LEVEL: 9/10

BRONCOS: RECORD: 7-10

Nothing really was expected from Denver. Just a boring team whose days in the NFL’s limelight are long gone. 

PAIN LEVEL: 2/10

WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM: RECORD: 7-10

Nobody expected anything from the FOOTBALL TEAM®. Nobody got anything from the FOOTBALL TEAM®. No harm, no foul, no pity for Dan Snyder, no getting a new stadium.

PAIN LEVEL: 6/10

SEAHAWKS: RECORD: 7-10

With a powerful division, and a talent exodus, we never expected this team to get very far. However, I was surprised at their (somewhat) strong finish, and their surprising wins against good teams. But, next season could get a lot worse as both Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll could be leaving. Well they did get 2 super bowls out of it . . . oh wait.

PAIN LEVEL: 3/10

FALCONS: RECORD: 7-10

“Pain. Everynight, I feel the pain of that fateful night. The lead slowly chipped away, slowly slipping away. Touchdown after touchdown, sack after penalty. It won’t stop hurting. The players I lost. The pain I felt. It won’t stop, no matter how many players I hire, no matter how much talent I bring in, it won’t stop.”

PAIN LEVEL: 28/3

BEARS: RECORD: 6-11

Do you ever see something in your house that’s there for some reason, and you don’t remember why it’s there and you feel like you have memory loss? This same feeling came back to me the other day when I discovered that the Bears went 12-4 in the 2018-19 season. Maybe I got hit over the head or something, but I never remember the Bears being any good recently. This year is no different.

PAIN LEVEL: 6/10

PANTHERS: RECORD: 5-12

Wow the Panthers really could have been a dynasty after their 15-1, 2015 campaign. However, that team is no longer, due to Cam Newton getting injured, tons of other players getting injured, and all their fans’ emotions getting injured. Nowadays the Carolina Panthers, after realizing Sam Darnold was (surprisingly) not the answer to their quarterbacking, they brought back a now broken Cam Newton.

PAIN LEVEL: 6/10

TEXANS: RECORD: 4-13

Three years ago, the Texans were good. In that short time they lost everything, from two coaches, to their quarterback, and now their dignity. At least Davis Mills seems good?

PAIN LEVEL: 8/10

JAGUARS: RECORD: 3-14

Come one! Come all! Come witness the famous Three Ring Jacksonville Circus™! Watch our own Urban Meyer, kick a player, and get fired even before the season ends! Now watch our Jaguar tamer Trevor Lawrence throw 17 interceptions and 12 touchdowns with a 33.6 passer rating! And finally watch our lead juggler, Shad Khan, juggle through staff faster than you’ve ever seen! What are you waiting for? Put on your rainbow wig, your face paint, and your red nose and come on down Duval County!

PAIN LEVEL: 🤡/10

LIONS: RECORD: 3-13-1

You thought I was going to say this season was a waste, but I disagree. This season was a massive success. Not only did the Lions manage to secure a high draft pick, but they flexed their determination, morale, and made everyone in the NFL like them. Two of their three wins and their only tie came against playoff teams. They were never any good, but they did everything they could this season. 

PAIN LEVEL: 2/10

JETS: RECORD: 4-13

I’m sorry. 

PAIN LEVEL: Jets/10

GIANTS: RECORD: 4-13

This is the worst team in football. I’m not sugarcoating it. This team started bad and ended awful. The Giants started the season with QB Daniel Jones, switched to Jake Fromm, then switched to Mike Glennon, and then back to Fromm. Sure, the Giants have had iffy quarterbacking these past 20 years—their best quarterback is the third best QB in his own family!—but this level of quarterback musical chairs puts the Browns to shame. The Giants have not only lost their quarterbacks, but also every single exciting player besides Saquon Barkley. Look forward to the draft Giants fans, and find out who your next disappointing QB will be.

PAIN LEVEL: Depression/10

Best of luck next year NFL fans, and enjoy the playoffs.